


silence

by GeminiAffair



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, Other charas r mentioned - Freeform, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, ooc I guess cause rlly I’m just venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-14 12:00:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14135622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeminiAffair/pseuds/GeminiAffair
Summary: I’m here for you, always





	silence

**Author's Note:**

> Midori voice: I want to die

“I’m here for you, always, Hajime”

It hurt so badly, Hajime wished with all his heart that Tomoya wouldn’t say such things. Doesn’t he know? Hajime couldn’t speak even if he wanted to. He can only smile and go along.

Hajime does not cry when he is alone. His pain and sadness and anger and everything wells up inside of him before he can stop it, and he wants to sink his teeth into his arms and rip the flesh from them, he wants to squeeze his own neck until he crushes his throat, he wants to stab himself over and over and over until he’s nothing but a bloody pulp, but he can’t cry. He can’t, he doesn’t deserve to anyways.

He’s barely grasping onto everyone around him, they’re all moving in different directions, all away from him, he can’t hold on anymore, his arms hurt from being pulled each and every direction, if his hand slips for even a second everything falls out of reach, and disappears forever. Hajime can’t have that. What is he without others surrounding him? He is alone. He doesn’t want to be alone, not without a say in it.

He pulls at his hair and screams silently, coughing and wracking his body with dry sobs, no tears fall from his eyes. His pain is raw and hot, he is utterly destroyed, inside and out. They still can’t see. He is rotting and sinking and falling apart every second of every day and they don’t notice all because he smiles. He smiles and says nothing about how he thought about stepping into traffic while walking with his friends, laughs and says nothing about how he contemplated slitting his wrists while cooking dinner for his family, sings and says nothing about his uncontrollable urge to hang himself from an old tree behind his home, exists and says nothing about how he is in pain every waking moment of his life, and even in his rare moments of rest, he’s haunted by what a horrible monsters he’s become.

Horrible, disgusting, sickening, he’s everything wrong with a human shoved into a decaying 15 year old. He wakes up each day and goes to school. He sees those around him exist effortlessly. Things go wrong and people mess up, they get back up afterwards and continue on. Hajime feels sick when his friends smile and laugh, when they joke and talk to him, they speak to him as if they want to include him, make him feel as though he’s not alone. 

He is alone, they don’t understand, he wouldn’t want them to. It’s so painful, he can’t tell them how he wished he was never born, no matter how many times they come to him and say “I’m here for you, talk to me” 

He can’t, The thought makes his stomach churn and his chest feel tight, his hands shake and suddenly Hajime can’t breathe. They can’t know, they can’t know, it’ll only weigh them all down. Of course, they can’t know, they’ll look at him differently, with pity and sadness before they turn their backs on him and leave him to rot. Hajime can’t have that, they know him for his kindness, his smiles, his happiness. They can’t know, everything will be ruined. 

He works hard, he can’t fall behind, he pushes forwards even though all he wants is to collapse and never wake up. He daydreams about swallowing every sleeping pill from a bottle. He imagines his siblings shaking his cold dead body and trying to wake him up. He imagines his friends finding him hanging in a supply closet somewhere along the halls of his school, he imagines the horrified faces of onlookers when he throws himself from the top of a building, and feels nothing. What does it matter when he’ll be dead and forgotten anyways? They don’t know how he feels, how can he feel bad? They wouldn’t stop him, they... Hajime feels sick. They love him, and he loves them back, they don’t deserve someone so selfish and cruel.

He keeps living, and living, and watches as his friends keep moving and moving and moving and he’s suddenly suffocating and they’re so far out of reach Hajime knows he’ll never see them again. He feels utterly empty. As horrible as sadness and anger feel when they’ve kept growing and growing inside of him for months at a time until they’re boiling over and he’s covering his mouth as to not wake his family up with desperate sobs, feeling empty is quite possibly the worst way to feel, in Hajime’s opinion.

He can’t even be upset he’s still alive, and that the people around him are living as well, when he feels nothing. He doesn’t feel crushing depression and anxiety and stress weighing over his shoulders and just feel, boneless. He looks down at himself and sees a husk. Who is he? What is he doing? Why? Why? He asks himself over and over and over but no one answers. Why can’t he be happy? 

He cuts himself with a blade, and the pain is grounding, his hips and ankles, hidden from the prying eyes of his unit, his friends, his family, and the world. They’re the only place he knows no one will see the years and years of abuse he’s brought upon his own skin, slicing it until he finally feels something again. It’s riveting, he can practically feel his emotions pouring into him again from his cuts and bleeding skin. He can breathe again. 

Mirdori always says he wants to die, he doesn’t hide it the way Hajime does. A small part of him wants to ask, do you feel the same way I do? Are you suffocating like I am? Are we both doomed to die before we graduate high school? Are we alone?

He bites his tongue as always, some days it’s easier than others to not just break down sobbing and admit how he feels to everyone around him. I’m sorry I hid all this from you, please help me, I don’t want to feel this way anymore, it’s so painful, I just want it all to stop. Please, please, Mitsuru, Tomoya, Nazuna, please help me feel happy again, I don’t want to keep lying and pretending with you all. Please help me before I do something bad. 

“If something’s wrong, don’t hesitate to tell me! I’m always here to listen, Hajime-chin.” Nazuna says.

“Of course, thank you Nii-chan.” he smiles and lies. The words taste like poison on his tongue.

**Author's Note:**

> it’s 2 am I wrote this on my phone and I’m depressed thanks for reading


End file.
